I’ve finished my first month of work. I am almost at the official end of training. It has been an entire two years since I jumped into a self destructive relationship. I’m proud. I’ve had time to begin to get a handle on my own identity and spend time proving that I can build a life for myself by myself. I’ve got a good job. I’m done with my classes. Now that I’ve come so far and am fulfilling more parts of my life every day, I wonder if I’m ready to let some new people into my life and maybe even date.

Truthfully, the thought scares me to death. I don’t want to fuck it all up over some feeling over falling. I’m not afraid of the fall, I’m afraid of the brutal landing below. I’m still sick of picking up pieces of myself after losing people. So what do I do? I don’t let anyone new on the inside.

This obviously can’t continue if I’m for moving further foreward.

I’ve been meeting some great people. I don’t know if they’re at the highest of high bars, but I know enough that I respect them and even admire them. I’m feeling connections and they seem to feel that way as well. People are placing trust in me, so why can’t I do the same? When I fell silent Saturday night and just listened for hours, interjecting laughs and utterances, why was I the sudden introvert? Is it because I’m afraid that I’m sitting in a still fragile framework of my recent success of life, made of tissue paper, sitting with a match that might spark if I say too much?

I’m so honest that I have to fall silent to protect myself. I’m scared to shit at how close I can feel to people that I’m still just getting to know. It doesn’t matter if I get to know them if I block them from knowing me.

I’m not as confident as people think. These thoughts pool inside the space behind my eyes until the people I see make me too nervous to speak.

I’m proud to have come so far, but it’s a shame how far I have left to go before I fell wholly myself again. It takes so little time to break a person and forever to remake. I’m rebuilding one brick at a time so that when the time comes, it’ll be much harder to blow down.

Hold onto your geek-hats. I have a confession. I want Rock Band and I want it bad. In the past month or so, I decided that when I do have some money for myself again, I’m going to buy a Wii. Then, a little something came along and threw a wrench into my thinking.

This little something is really a big something.

I played Rock Band.

That isn’t the big part.

The big part was when I realized how much the Wii’s hardware sucked.

Let me explain. Rock Band is a game that you purchase four fake USB instruments with. You have a bass, guitar, drums, and microphone. Sounds dumb, right? It’s a bit like DDR (Dance Dance Revolution) meets karaoke to be sure. But hell, it’s fun to play. You download any number of songs. You can play any or all of these instruments for by yourself, or with up to three friends. The better you do, the more the audience loves you. You individually pick skill level on each instruments so the n00bs can rock with the hermit video game jedi masters. There’s more to it, of course, but essentially, it’s just a whole lot of fun. It’s also not so super complicated that you’d think all of the next gen consoles would be able to handle it, right?

Wrong. Rock Band for the Wii doesn’t even let you download songs.

What? Why? Is it because the Wii had less than a gig of internal memory? Is it because Wii online is only good for emulating (and not even emulating well) old Nintendo games? Or is it simpler- is it because the hardware just sucks ass.

When I decided to get the Wii, it wasn’t just to play my old friends Mario and Samus, it was to play games like this. I wanted to swing the sword as link and use the Wii fit (essentially a new power pad that you don’t run on). Games I imagined getting were interactive, innovative games like these. Yet, Nintendo perhaps skimped a bit too much if a fairly simple concept like Rock Band is a bit too hard to handle.

So here I am, on the fence and leaning towards a Xbox 360 like I never thought I’d get.

Then one of the brilliant ninjas at work pointed out that I have a good job and could maybe eventually get both.

Wow, I said. I’ve never done that before. Two console systems in one generation has always been out of my league. Now, will I? Maybe. Until then, what comes first? A Wii and Wii Fit or an Xbox 360 and Rock Band?

Looking at the unfamiliar place that is my apartment, I wonder if I’d have any time to play either after I decide.