“When someone asks, ‘Double click?’ you know urin trouble.”

“Urine trouble, huh?”

I wanted to ask for your help in the “movement” I’m trying to get off the ground with a fellow ceramic artist Arthur Halvorsen. Check out his facebook fansite for details. Also check out his new blog.

Operation C.U.P. (Citizens using pottery) is about getting pottery into the hands of people that don’t normally use handmade ceramics. All you need to do to participate is get a handmade cup this holiday season for a best friend.

I can’t really put into words what it’s like to drink from a handmade cup. Its something that has to be experienced by the user. You’re not just giving someone an object, you’re passing that experience on to someone else.

Arthur is going to be posting links continually on his fansite on different places to purchase a handmade cup until the holiday season to give you some ideas. You can also always get one from either me or Arthur as well, but there are a lot of great artists out there to consider, and certainly there is one out there that will be the maker of the perfect gift this holiday season! If you know of or find any great places to get handmade cups and want them to be featured as part of Operation C.U.P., send Arthur a message:



If you’d like to post on your own blog about the operation, we’d also be appreciative. Please be sure to link back to Arthur’s facebook page or blog so people can read more about the operation.

…and by loves, we mean we love that we have job security and can secretly feel superior. We remind ourselves this every day. It’s a mantra that keeps us going back to the phones no matter who we have to talk to.

Here is a short list of some of the regulars who call phone tech support. What a coincidence, these people call you too?

If you think you are one of these people, I assure you, the people who do these things know not what they do.

The Nommer
This guy waited until his lunch break to call you. How do you know? Because he’s nomming, slurping, and smacking in your ear. Just when you think it can’t get any worse, he pops a cough drop in his mouth and starts clicking it against his teeth in your ear.

“…click-clock-click …smnosh-smnosh… Yersh, Ihve jrest shent crunch… gulp… you an email with the error.”

The Ummer
This customer is characterized by uncontrollable verbal tics such as: “Uuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh”. We also have, “um”, “er”, “ah”, “like”, and ending every sentence as if it were a question. A lot of people sound smarter than they are, but these people never do.

“Er. Um… Uuuhhh… I have… like…. Ah. Veesta Ultimate?”

“Ummmm… I’m running… like… the newest one, Snow Leopards..?”

The Entitled User
When people are way too good to know anything about their own computer (or try to check for you), check system requirements, or take responsibility for messing something up (or at least not blame it on you), there is a good chance they are an Entitled User. There’s nothing you can do, say, or fix that will change that fact.

“Why do you make this so complicated? It should just work. What do you mean this won’t run on my computer? You have to support Windows 2000. I’m going to put you on hold. I need to reboot my computer.”

I use Vista, Have UAC Still Turned On, and the VOLUME PUMPED
I don’t know what the call is about yet, but I know it will be painful more due to the fact I have to listen to:

“BOM!”

every time I ask you to do anything.

Can You Hear Me Now?
This guy is jealous of your headset. He cannot type or use a mouse with one hand. He thinks that speaker phone works with his dog barking, children crying, and wife talking to him in the background.

Even better, he’s in traffic not even at his computer. How does he expect to troubleshoot the issue? I don’t know either.

“Noise”

Idiot Pirates (ur doin it rong)
“So… I downloaded this from a website and I can’t get it to work right. Yeah… I didn’t buy it. It’s the free version. I don’t know what pirating is and I don’t think I’m doing that, but my friend said there was this free version. So I went there and I downloaded it and now it doesn’t work. Can you help me?”

Conspiracy Theorist
This guy is super paranoid. You’re out to steal his identity, send him spam, break his computer, and take his money and still not get anything working. He is not going to give you the info you need to solve the problem. He wont even give email address so you can look up and see what he has or send him a fix. What he somehow doesn’t realize is that he’s already given you (the company you work for) all of his info. What he doesn’t know is that you’re trying to help him and his identity is not worth stealing (since apparently it’ll mean an ulcer).

If you get far enough, he might start letting you know what he thinks the issue *really* is and insist you should check into it. These will not be plausible theories, they will be somewhere in left field or even outer space.

“Why do you need my email address? No! I’m not giving that to you. As it is, your company’s website has already broken my computer.”

Yeah I Tried That. It Didn’t Work.
You’ll wrack your brain. You’ll troubleshoot until your brain bleeds. I, the customer, will then admit I didn’t actually do what you told me to about twenty minutes (or three emails) later. It’ll be fun. Whee.

“*Sigh* Ya… I did that already. Of course I did.”

When The Dinosaurs Were Old
“I remember when we didn’t even have computers. What start menu? What’s that? Slow down there… you’re going to have to repeat that. I’m not very computer savvy like you youngsters. You have to understand… *long unrelated story*. Wait, you don’t make this? I called the wrong number? Are you sure?”

“(horrified voice) I might need to upgrade!?”

Anger Management
I don’t know what’s wrong or how serious it is, but I’m angry and I need someone to blame. It’s not my fault, so guess who’s going to take the fall? I’m not interested in getting this working so much as ripping out your heart and eating it.

It’s not that the customer is always right, it’s that he or she HAS a right… that is the right to verbally abuse you.

“$%*&^%”

“Hey, Cindy, I should tell you since you told me when you started dating someone- I’m dating someone now!”

“Oh, that’s great!”

“Yeah. She’s really hot… and cool…. but I’m afraid she might be psycho.”

“Oh?”

“I don’t know what to do though… because she’s really cool and really hot, and interesting… like she’s mature and intelligent, she like reads and does experimental films and stuff. She graduated from Mass Art.”

“But you think she might be crazy… like artist crazy, or head for the hills psycho girlfriend crazy?”

“Well… I just would never want to be on her bad side… like ever make her angry. She told me this story. She was riding her bike, because she’s into riding bikes. Her and her bike are close.”

“Got it.”

“And this big truck like cuts her off and almost kills her. So at the next light, she like screams at him and gives him the finger and stuff. She’s all, ‘I’ll fight you!! Come out here and fight me!’”

“To the truck?”

“Yeah. He screamed back at her. So she does it again at the next light. He kinda ignores her. So she does it again at the third light and… you know what?”

“What?”

“He spits on her.”

“Ew. That sucks. I can see her going off on the guy, though, almost having been run over.”

“Yeah. True. She told me about this other time her roommate decked her in the face.”

“Really? Why?”

“I have no idea. You must have to do or say something really bad for your roommate to punch you in the face.”

“What was the reason she gave?”

“She said she didn’t know… she was just yelling at her room mate and she got punched.”

“Just yelling? Oh, yeah, no biggie- getting in someone’s face and yelling. I don’t know man. All I know is that you brought her up and didn’t say, ‘She’s nice.’ or ‘I really am happy when I’m with her.’, you said she’s cool, hot, and might be psycho. I’m just repeating back to you what the first qualities you told me were…”

“…yeeeeeah.”

“But, y’know, if you are happy now and just dating, as long as she hasn’t like screamed at you and you haven’t seen any big warning signs, maybe see where it goes… Just make sure you do the right thing at the first sign of anything really crazy.”

“Yeah, you’re right.”

“Besides, you haven’t dated anyone in awhile… maybe you’re just being a little paranoid… a little over cautious.”

“No way. Nope. I’m not. I really think she might be psycho.”

“Oh. Uh. Hm… I don’t know. If you’re that sure… I mean, do what you want.”

Dude 1: …will be quick

Dudette: I hope so.

Dude 2: That’s what she said.

Dude 3: Indeed, she said it.

Dudette: I hope I never say it in that way.

Dude 2: Depends. Those kids have to get to school.

Dudette: Ummmmm… ?

Dude 2: I have no idea.

Dudette: Depends are diapers for adults.

Dude 1: Hahah- What?

Dude 2: I took that from a Dave Attel line, but it didn’t really work. “Some people say drunk driving is wrong, and I call those people the police. But hey… sometimes those kids gotta get to school.”

Dudette: …