Every now and then when I need a break from work, but still want to feel productive, I do things like clean up my desktop icons or go through and organize my bookmarks. Tonight I was going through bookmarks and I came across the link for an ex’s blog. I forgot I had it. Funny thing is, for the most part, I wrote in my blog extensively while we were together. He didn’t post anything in that time period it looks like.

Mostly his blog is about pickup and self improvement (which I guess for someone in PUA they might tell you they’re the same thing). There weren’t any recent posts, but there were a few from a few weeks after we broke up. They were him trying to get back into PUA and being… well… unsuccessful and creepy.

The thought has occurred to me lately that even though I didn’t initiate that breakup, I’m the one that came better out of it. Even though I’m not going out with anyone, I get the impression I have my shit more together than he does. I think I’ve had more success in being with new people since then. I don’t mean that pick-up style, I mean that just meeting new people. I’m certainly not being the desperate, creepy one.

I think that might be part of his and some other people’s problems. The obsession and focus of meeting the preferred sex for finding a mate is going to make you come off in a particular unattractive way if you let it consume you.

1. You think you need it.

You don’t need to get laid. You don’t need a boy/girlfriend. Life goes on. Great things happen either way. People who think they need it will give off the desperate vibe. The desperate vibe makes a woman feel creeped out, unsafe, and not special at all. I too have fallen into this trap, and I know it doesn’t come off as a good vibe to guys either (at least not the ones you want to attract).

2. It’s your number one motivator for meeting, talking to, and getting to know people.

You only talk to them if you think they might be your type. At the mention of a boy/girlfriend, you’re not interested in communicating with them any more.

This is what I told one of my friends: he may not be your next boyfriend, but what if his brother or best friend is your soulmate? Friends are very valuable to life in general. They can also help you find that next someone. There’s nothing wrong with just making friends.

This also is a problem in the way you approach people. You can flirt without using crappy pickup lines. If you’re smiling a bunch, using good body language, being interested, asking questions about their life, etc., you don’t need to say something like, “Hey, nice shoes… wanna f-”.

I think openers are stupid. Sorry, PUA people. They are. They are just alternate phrasing for crappy pickup line. They’re not any better. Try some genuine, off the top you’re your head, not creepy, real world conversation starters. Walking up to some random person on the street and calling them cute is a no. I’m sorry if someone who uses that is reading this and being offended, but someone has to tell you before you get maced. You may hate me now, but thank me later.

3. You’re approaching it as a player in a game rather than yourself.

As I got to know what PUA was, I didn’t gain much respect for it, and this is one of the big reasons. I love games. You might even call me a gamer. However, meeting people is not going to be won with cheat codes. I don’t care how many books your read, lines you put together based on those, or methods you use. To find someone lasting, you have to put your actual self out there (that includes to meet good friends and significant others).

Are you only interested in shallow acquaintances? Awkward lays? Maybe those lines could work for you then.

I guess the big question is: who are you and what do you want?

I’d like to find someone worth sticking my neck out for again, but I’m in no hurry either. There are a lot of great connections to be made with people out there without expecting them to be the next anything. I want to have fun. I want to meet people. But… I don’t need anything from these people. I’m comfortable here with myself, by myself both growing and existing. I don’t need another half, because I’m already a whole. One day I’d like to meet another whole person, a partner who fits me well, but I know it’s not going to happen by any kind of force.

“Hey, Cindy, I should tell you since you told me when you started dating someone- I’m dating someone now!”

“Oh, that’s great!”

“Yeah. She’s really hot… and cool…. but I’m afraid she might be psycho.”

“Oh?”

“I don’t know what to do though… because she’s really cool and really hot, and interesting… like she’s mature and intelligent, she like reads and does experimental films and stuff. She graduated from Mass Art.”

“But you think she might be crazy… like artist crazy, or head for the hills psycho girlfriend crazy?”

“Well… I just would never want to be on her bad side… like ever make her angry. She told me this story. She was riding her bike, because she’s into riding bikes. Her and her bike are close.”

“Got it.”

“And this big truck like cuts her off and almost kills her. So at the next light, she like screams at him and gives him the finger and stuff. She’s all, ‘I’ll fight you!! Come out here and fight me!’”

“To the truck?”

“Yeah. He screamed back at her. So she does it again at the next light. He kinda ignores her. So she does it again at the third light and… you know what?”

“What?”

“He spits on her.”

“Ew. That sucks. I can see her going off on the guy, though, almost having been run over.”

“Yeah. True. She told me about this other time her roommate decked her in the face.”

“Really? Why?”

“I have no idea. You must have to do or say something really bad for your roommate to punch you in the face.”

“What was the reason she gave?”

“She said she didn’t know… she was just yelling at her room mate and she got punched.”

“Just yelling? Oh, yeah, no biggie- getting in someone’s face and yelling. I don’t know man. All I know is that you brought her up and didn’t say, ‘She’s nice.’ or ‘I really am happy when I’m with her.’, you said she’s cool, hot, and might be psycho. I’m just repeating back to you what the first qualities you told me were…”

“…yeeeeeah.”

“But, y’know, if you are happy now and just dating, as long as she hasn’t like screamed at you and you haven’t seen any big warning signs, maybe see where it goes… Just make sure you do the right thing at the first sign of anything really crazy.”

“Yeah, you’re right.”

“Besides, you haven’t dated anyone in awhile… maybe you’re just being a little paranoid… a little over cautious.”

“No way. Nope. I’m not. I really think she might be psycho.”

“Oh. Uh. Hm… I don’t know. If you’re that sure… I mean, do what you want.”

Yesterday was rough in the land of tech support calls that just so happened to fall into my lap. Some were irritating, some were long, and some were both irritating and long. It’s not the worst day ever by far, but my sleep the night before wasn’t as restful as it could have been. Additionally I always lose one of my two hours to not be on call on Tuesday due to our team meetings.

About an hour and fifteen minutes into a call concerning a case I’d been working on for a couple months, I decided I needed a hug and a cookie. I announced as much to the intarwebs.

I didn’t expect him to drive all the way to my work and bring me a couple hugs, a kiss, two things of fancy chocolate, a large thing of milk, and a Nightwish CD. Even when he asked for the address I was a little skeptical, but he just did it.

I’m reminded of the song Vanilla Ice Cream from the musical She Loves Me. Someone who she fought with constantly brought her vanilla ice cream and she sees him in a whole new light at the tail end of a peculiar day and a weirder last night.

Was this his way of trying to make the sad part of last night better?

She Loves Me is a play that ends with all being well, two people in love, together finally. This is not the story of my life. I instead have someone who gives me so much attention, affection, gifts, etc. but won’t make any kind of commitment beyond getting together on a particular date.

I’m not used to random gifts like that, and I have to remember last night. No matter what his actions, he made himself clear. So here I am trying to make my emotions respond to what he said, not what he does. My logical mind knows this is just a gift, and yet…

“Ice cream. He brought me ice cream!
Vanilla Ice cream! Imagine that!”

But, I’m not Tsuyoshi from Kodomo no Omocha. He falls in love with Sana early in the series/manga just because she gave him Valentines chocolate, even though she gave chocolates to everyone.

I know it’s not vanilla ice cream. I actually don’t even like vanilla ice cream.

Still, it is nice to get gifts.

Maybe when I was spending all that time avoiding dating, maybe I should have spent that time figuring out how to prevent the worst things from happening when I went to date again.

In general, I like me more when I’m not with someone else, and I have to figure out why.

I question myself more.
I defer to their opinions, let them win arguments for the sake of keeping peace, say I’m sorry when I should hold my ground (and hold my ground when I should let it go and change the subject), and think things are my fault when they aren’t or it’s not important.

I think about the other person too much.
At any time I am acutely aware of what they want and what I can get from them. I become a little obsessed, wanting to know everything about their thoughts, day, past, etc.

I go into hopeless story-book romantic mode.
My soft center under the hard shell starts to show, which is okay, but it’s too much. I start to trust and idealize the other person too much, opening up myself to being hurt easier. I start to have a hard time seeing myself without that person.

I start to lose a strong sense of self.
In deferring some of my opinions and identity to the other person, I become passive pre-feminism Cindy who constantly wonders what he might want.

I become afraid to be honest.
Normally I’m blunt and crass. I’ll still be honest, but I’ll be less sure about it. I’ll suddenly wonder about potential consequences that normally me and my life code don’t give a rats ass about. I start to fear what fully disclosing some of the crazy, negative, unstable thoughts I sometimes have. The temptation to hide my flaws and pretend I’m more normal than I am suddenly occurs to me when I’m normally not a self-conscious person.

I expect to spend more time with the other person than I should.
When I’m with the other person, I try to get too much out of each moment with them. I can follow the person around, touch a lot, become clingy. I constantly want to do things for the person and set my own stuff aside in anticipation of spending more time with them or doing something for them. I begin to spend less time with friends.

Okay, now that I have some things I’ve identified about the past, how can I turn that into things I need to make sure I do?

Don’t question the person you put forward.
This is the same person that a guy initially saw something interesting and good about. Whatever it is about you that made them want you was real. If they don’t still see it after they get to know you better, then it’s okay. Turns out you aren’t for each other and things have naturally run their course. Not everyone you date is potentially someone you’re supposed to be with or be with for a long time. If they potentially are that person, you don’t have a lot of control over that manifesting. You can’t force what isn’t right, and changing yourself to fit better will not lead to any kind of happiness. Keep your identity and remember how awesome you are even with the flawed, human bits. If they can’t handle you on a bad day, it’s doomed anyways. We all have bad days. You don’t need to be constantly proving yourself as worthy of their respect.

Your opinions are as valid as theirs.
Maybe they are even more so because they are yours. You don’t need to agree on everything to be with someone. You date geeks. Geeks like to argue and be right. Still, two people should be able to respect each other’s views enough not to argue a lot, or not to let a discussion get out of hand.

Don’t blame yourself.
It’s probably not all of your fault, if placing blame is even worth it. Move past whatever it is rather than wasting time on arguments, hurts, and negativity. If you start to see a pattern you don’t like, address it calmly. If you can’t live with it, let it end things rather than caving. Focus on your own needs, after all, you are number one. They should also be that to themselves. If they are strong enough to be with you, they will make their wants and needs known calmly and reasonably while standing on their own.

You don’t need to know everything.
Yeah, this person must be cool if you’re with them. Knowing everything won’t make them more cool. What are you looking for exactly? Are you trying to read the future? Let things happen at a normal pace and get to know them as they open up to you, not as you pry at them. Intense doesn’t equal better always. There’s no need to cling on, as it might take away from the specialness of an intimate moment.

Embrace that you don’t know how long the good times will last.
All good things come to an end. Life ends. Make sure you’re still there to find something else after it is. I’m not saying plan for it to be short, but plan to be able to exist beyond this.

Don’t lose your friends.
Make plans with the friends. Invite him, but if he’s not up for it, still go. Don’t cancel plans for him unless it’s an emergency, rare occasion, or you really don’t want to go out. If he hates a friend of yours, tough noogies. If he makes you feel bad for your friends or for going out with them, it’s a clearly marked warning sign.

Do more self-full acts than selfless.
You like taking care of people. You’re a big-sister at heart and a motherly type. That’s okay to a degree. You need to work on yourself first, and if that’s going well, feel free to give some of the extra to the person you care about. If you suffer, you both suffer. You’re not actually mom. You still need to come first.

And with that pep-talk I feel a little better. If I draw these things into the open for myself, it makes it that much harder to go into bad habits.

I know, a blog post about blogging is kind of the saddest of the sad as far as topics go at a glance.

Yet, I have a specific topic I want to bring up. I’ve had this blog for a couple years now. I have no problems posting about the people in my life (as long as I don’t reveal their name). I have no problems with the people I know reading it. It’s actually created some cool dialogues with people. I’m not ashamed of anything I put on here.

The thing I want to bring up actually has nothing to do with my blog. It has more to do with the fact I found someone else’s personal blog- the person who I’m dating. I know the handle he uses in video games and the like, so I google searched it with a few key words, a few sites clicked, and there it was.

Maybe about three quarters of the way through reading all of the posts I start to feel guilty. Is it right for me to be reading this stuff? It’s on the internet, sure, but he didn’t give me the link or anything. Then I start to think maybe he’ll be upset when I tell him I found it (I mean, was I supposed to?).

The posts end a short time after we meet- so there’s nothing too recent. It was on the internet, so it’s not like rifling through someones’ sock drawer, but I wonder if he’ll take it that way..?

Update:

So, surprise, I told the boy I found his blog. I was worried he’d be weirded out by the fact I googled his handle, or worse, would view it as an invasion of privacy.

What I didn’t expect is for him to initially be defensive, as if he was expecting me to go after him for the content.

I don’t expect him to apologize for his honest journaling about his journey to self-improvement. ::looks around the blog:: I mean, after all… I think he expected me to find issue with some of the content of his self-improvement regiment which included learning to talk to, pick up, and date women. I’m not going to fault him for that stuff. I’ve posted about how hard it is to communicate and connect with people and my failed attempts at breaking down those walls.

…as well as posting about me avoiding dating all together like the bubonic plague. We all deal with bad breakups in our own way. I’m not embarrassed or regretful about anything I’ve posted, I would be a hypocrite to try to make him feel that way.

I don’t know what this door I’ve opened means. I’m not going to grill him on anything, but I do have questions. There’s a lot of terminology he uses specific to this ‘learning-to-get-women’ class/group he was in. My instinct is to be, “Damn, was that used on me?” But then, he met me at jiu-jitsu- sweaty, nasty, with a thick cotton gi hiding my curves. So, no, I don’t think I was picked up all text-book style. I wasn’t part of some class experiment… I don’t think at least. Even if I initially was, we get on well. What does it matter? It’s just kind of weird to read about it from the other side.

Another funny thing- he mentioned he was using tarot card reading as a romantic ice-breaking sort of thing. Guess what I brought over his house my first time over? Yeah, I brought my tarot cards. I bet he wasn’t expecting those tables to be turned. Ha.

This whole thing brings up a lot of points for me- that we still have a lot to learn about each other, and strangely (after reading) we have a lot more in common than maybe we know yet. It looks like we were going through some of the same bad times and started turning our lives around in a similar time frame, only to meet after we’d started to get our respective shit together.

Joining jiu-jitsu was part of our self-improvement/goals regiment- separately, but there we met.

Life and its sense of humor know no ends.

And speaking of turning tables, my blog is easy enough to find.

Yes, I think about them: the caveats, pitfalls, and fears I’ve followed down the hole before. Hindsight is so much better. With it I can see the course that will lead me away from falling, but if I fail to do anything now then I miss the chance to move forward. Hindsight is only so useful.

Would I know that I was moving backwards until it was too late? I don’t know that I have a sense of my momentum, but I think that I’m moving forward. I feel wind passing by me, the air crisp, and my head clear.

Being with someone again has been great, but I am a little bit leery of this limbo that I stop and see myself in sometimes. Freeze frame, I worry and wonder if I am making the same mistakes, falling into old patterns. I have no evidence, by I am constantly, acutely aware of the past.

I’m also not used to ’seeing’ people. The way it has always been for me: either I’m in a relationship or I’m not. I don’t know if I’m entirely comfortable here, but I also know that the self-improvement thing is about taking risks, going outside of your comfort zone, and goddamn trying. Everything tells me this is a healthy thing, to force me to learn not to rush into things.

I don’t ever want to get stuck and hung up on a person to the point of potentially losing myself. I’ve done it before. It’s been a long time since I’ve even approached a relationship, it’s been a long time since this has happened, but I’m always aware it has. As much as I’ve grown, that person who made those mistakes in the past was me, and I have to work not to make any repeat performances.

But this is already so different, will I really repeat myself that considered? What happens if I get hung up anyways in spite of myself?

At first he scared me, and now I scare me. That’s a pattern I know and I’m scrubbing it with steel wool, but who knows if the stain will come out. Why am I scared- because I like him. I like him a lot.

I’m not saying I want to be with someone I don’t like, but I’m very scared of liking someone too much. I’m afraid that one day I’m going to be used to being with him, and he suddenly will have moved on to someone else. Irrationally, I think that labeling our relationship differently (going from seeing each other to full blown relationship) will allay these fears and make them an impossibility. I know that is stupid.

So if I call this something different, is that supposed to make my hold on him tighter?

And why would I want it to be tighter? It would be tighter around me too. I like not feeling too relied on, or relying too much. It’s so much more healthy than what I’m used to. My sense of self is strong and I am on my two feet relying on just that. He is also strong, not leaning on me in any way, threatening to take me down wherever he may go.

Is this simple jealousy maybe? I don’t like the idea of him potentially seeing other people, but I constantly remind myself of the idea… not to torture myself, but to stay used to the idea. I might still want him around and he might be gone (or with someone else). That will hurt regardless, but it will hurt more if I believe it can’t happen.

Is it the idea of him being with someone else, or is it him not being with me? The fact that I’m okay with the situation tells me it’s the latter. I don’t want another girl he’s seeing to take him away from me. I don’t want to lose what I have gained.

What I need to realize that what I have gained are experiences of being with him in a positive way. People go away. I hate those facts, fickle natures and the that things end. But, they do end. People move on, including me.

I keep telling myself so I stay used to the idea of him not being around. Maybe that’s pessimistic, but pinching myself is allowing me not to get lost in a romantic dream.

I am likely making an illusion of control. He makes me happy, and to have a degree of happiness taken away, one needs to find new happiness all over again or get used to it being gone. It’s not always easy to find again. Absence can be felt strongly regardless if you were told it would come.

I hate relying on others. People suck. I hate trusting.

And that’s what it boils down to- I trust him and I don’t want to trust anyone but me. I know I’m trustworthy. I always pull through in the end.

Maybe the answer is to see even more guys, but I’m not exactly interested. Oh, sure, there are guys I flirt with, impossible people who would never put forward a foot to walk along side me. I honestly wasn’t looking to see him when it happened; he fell out of the sky.

Maybe I’m a misanthrope, because when I seriously consider the idea all I can think about is how disgusting men are (women too in all fairness, people in general, but I’m not romantically involved with women, so I say men). I could pick up guys, but I don’t actually want them. Would most men respect me for me or just want to get me in bed? I like sex as much as the next person, but I am the type of person that doesn’t need it from other people. The things I seek: actual care and respect, these things are much harder to find.

So, where the hell did he come from and how did I let him in? I’m still just asking that basic question. I wasn’t looking, but there he was. I want to hold on tight, and I want to run away. This is scary stuff.

So here I am, trying to take slow the speeding train that time and time again is how my head handles things. Slow down. Smell the flowers. Keep your base so you don’t get swept off your feet.

I am learning, even if it is at my own pace. And even with those worries below the surface, I can still make out my face staring resolutely towards my goals. I am more than okay, and this is way more that okay. It’s just my nature to worry, analyze, question, and try to anticipate any chance of a wrong foot forward. I should try not to focus on it. If I do, I might accidentally allow it to stifle the steps I take towards something new and wonderful.

Here’s to something new and wonderful- and stop worrying about it already! Life happens, and will continue regardless. Change is scary. Have the courage to face forward!