In one of my dreams last night, I was helping move chairs with someone I used to spend a lot of time with. I was going quick and carefully tossing the chairs near her. At one point she freaked out about how I was moving the chairs. I tell her to relax, it’s not like I’ve hit her yet, and I laugh. She stays stern, gives me an angry look and goes silent.

She’d been like this with me since I’d met up with her again. We hadn’t seen each other in a long time. So I asked her what the problem was. I said we used to be friendly with each other. She scoffed and told me we weren’t friends. She told me she was constantly doing stuff for me and giving, and I wasn’t.

I immediately turned defensive, confused, and sad. I asked her why she never said anything at the time. I didn’t realize that was how she felt or that things might have been that way. She told me she shouldn’t have to tell me things like that. I should have just known to give back equally.

I told her I obviously thought I did at the time. Friends are supposed to feel like they can talk to each other if things aren’t right. She told me again we weren’t friends.

If only all dreams could be so depressingly meaningful.

Next time you’re wondering whether or not to say something because you don’t want to make a big deal about it, consider that you might be making a big deal about it anyways. I think not saying something can fester and ruin relationships more than saying something. Your feelings can fester and surely will effect how you interact with that person. Before you know it, maybe you resent them so much that their obliviousness is no excuse.

The dream is right about one thing, if you can’t talk to me about how you feel, then we aren’t actually friends. I really would like to think the people I keep close will let me know what they’re thinking and feeling, even if it’s not something that’s pleasant to hear. I would like to think they’d let me know before the friendship was over.

Situation: 7 of Wands Reversed - Misgivings about an outcome of something recent which is making you perplexed and anxious. Someone’s hesitation has caused a loss.

Background: Page of Pentacles - Bad news, illogical thinking, and wasting what has been gained

Myself: The Lovers - Partnership in love and trust, perfection in communication, honor and romance, beauty, and a couple who can work together to overcome trials.

Influences/Surroundings (Him): 4 of Swords - Someone who is resting in seclusion and meditating

Conclusion: 2 of Swords - Balance in a dangerous, precarious spot. There is a possibility of problems ahead and a difficult decision. I have to chose between the lesser of two evils, but have the knowledge and ability to balance and make the best of the situation.

Since I got this tarot deck from my best friend at my fifteenth birthday party, from the first reading everything was accurate. Since then I’ve found that accuracy doesn’t always mean helpful and insightful. Times like these I’m told mostly what I already know. The ability to focus on a situation and see clearly what is ahead doesn’t always make the road less rocky, windy, or dangerous. A sign that says caution doesn’t necessarily make having caution any easier.

None of the cards that came up surprised me in the least. The two of swords is worrisome because it confirms that things are as dangerous as I’m worried they are, yet comforting since it’s a card of strength. It says, I can make it and come out of this as strong if not stronger.

Barriers are not the answer here. Sometimes blocking off someone is necessary, but it always comes at a great price. Every time I close off my heart, it’s more difficult to open up and trust.

When two people are set in their positions there is a stalemate. To break it, we must come out from behind our swords and see each other’s sides. I feel like this has been done, and we must stay open if we are to find peace and wholeness.

I can do this. The instinct I have is to struggle to keep my feelings under control, but instead I shouldn’t be afraid to feel and live as long as I keep my eyes open and face facts.

Life is for living.

“Something is not right.”

“What? That ROM isn’t working? The emulator?”

I got a CycloDS Evolution for a friend for her birthday (and general holiday gift). Since she visited only recently, it wasn’t until now that I got to play with it. Of course, I said “Yea- I get to play with it,” while she actually had the idea in mind that I would spend a couple hours making it bend to her will. Since I’m the resident ‘knows-how-to-do-technical-stuff” person, being the actual day of her birthday, I complied. If scouring the web is what she wants, it’s what I’ll do.

“You did something. It’s not right. When it boots up it’s not supposed to make that noise,” she turned the Nintendo DS off again and on again.

“What noise?” I asked not really understanding what she meant, and of course annoyed at the accusation. The only worse thing than being the, “Can you fix my computer?” recipient is being the, “I asked you to fix it and you broke it!” recipient.

She turned it off and on again, and the chimes rang. I don’t own a Nintendo DS, so I have no idea what the chimes normally sound like when it turns on, so I say, “Okay, is there any other sound that’s messed up? When you open a ROM or use a game, is the sound different?”

“No, just when I turn it on.”

“Maybe you or I accidentally changed a setting so it has different music on boot up?”

“No, I checked that.”

Now I’m giving her the ‘you’re crazy’ look as she’s obsessively booting it, and turning it off, and booting again, and becomingly increasingly upset. Finally she has to go to the bathroom, so I figure I’ll search the internet and come up with the setting that must’ve been changed, or I can tell her she’s nuts with confidence.

I search Google and am surprised to find the issue is not a setting.

A similarly upset and worried fellow posted about this on a forum who had the exact same issue. Actually there were several hits as it is a common issue. I read further and find out the big problem, what was broken:

The Nintendo DS gives you a special chime on your birthday. It also gives you a rainbow “Happy Birthday” message in PictoChat.

I laughed my ass off. As she came out of the bathroom I continued to laugh. I wanted to look grim when I gave her the news, play it up, and tell her something was seriously wrong with her game system. I couldn’t do it, though.

And after all, it was her birthday.

Nintendo- making people everywhere think that their DS has broken on their birthday. Happy Birthday indeed.

Here is a tip to all the young, aspiring bad guys out there. To be a truly crazy, evil, and scary villain, try addressing the protagonist (as he gets away in a castle submerging into the desert) like so. Only then will you show your evil wit. Take it from Kefka of Final Fantasy 3/6 (SNES/Playstation).

It gets old trying to predict the future. I enjoy working on things for the future, it’s the expecting and trying to make things turn out a certain way that can be a bit grating. I try to live keeping in mind that people die in silly, unbelievable ways ‘before their time’ all the time. Even if you’re taking care of the ‘macrocosm’ of your life, the big picture, if you forget about the ‘microcosm’, all the moments that make up your day (and essentially you) then you’re missing out on life. As helpful as a crystal ball could be, it’s not the point.

Trying for tomorrow is great, but no matter what we work for or how hard we try, it can be a bit of a problem to expect things to work out as a result. I encountered that in a rather big way when my big long term plans for Virgina did not work out and I ended up in back in Mass. I saved a lot of money the summer before for the move (and all the things that went with it). I was looking forward to it even before that, when I was in Newcastle, “It’s gonna be so great!”.

My eggs were mostly in that basket. I’m glad I managed to make time for fun this past summer, maybe my last summer in Portland ever. I had living situation issues, but then I just made sure I was gone from my living space and with friends as often as possible. I miss the guys and gals I hung with (my P-land pals), even the people I worked with and the job itself. I miss it in a nostalgic way, however, not a ‘now sucks’ manner. I also don’t regret working so hard because I did make time for fun. I’m trying to make it so I can look back fondly on this time too some day.

Just keep going. It’s all we can do. Work for tomorrow, but live for today knowing tomorrow could still up and decide it has other plans for you.

The names have been changed to protect the innocent and the more awesome guilty. The text has been edited down to avoid total confusion so you may sift through and amuse yourself with the more amusing general confusion.

Bob: The girl to Henrietta’s left is Mary.

Celes: Do you mean the “other” left?

Bob: No, I mean HENRIETTA’S left, not the viewer’s left.

Celes: Oh! I was thinking “Henrietta’s left” as in to the left of Henrietta, not as in to the left of Henrietta by way of her left, not your left. Left, right, left, right, there’s none of the enemy left right? Right. No, left.

Fred: So isn’t that the other left, then?

Celes: Yes. I guess. It depends on how we define “other”. I mean, it does work, but I was totally off in my thinking when I said it- even if I sound right- but thanks for making me sound like I knew what I meant. In my defense, I’ve been programming web stuff a bunch, and in doing so, the viewer of the screen is always what defines left and right.

.mary {
float: right;
}

Henrietta’s left could have easily meant to the left of Henrietta or to the left of Henrietta according to her left.

Um, Holy crap. Just. Blarg.

Fred: Well, your problem is you’re looking at the couch as the only relevant div, when clearly it has nested .cushion divs with a width of 1/3 .couch. So .mary can be float:left like you thought because #cushion3 that contains her is float:right compared to the one Henrietta is on. Assuming that the viewer’s screen resolution is wider than the couch in pixels, they’ll stack horizontally- but anyone who has that problem probably doesn’t have a compatible browser anyway, and the couch would render as a futon or something.

Celes: …add the hacks that make the couch sort of not be a futon, or at least not be a very bad looking one… Um, will you marry me? *shakes head* Sorry. I don’t know when CSS empathy started to be a turn on for me, but apparently it is.

Bob: I love that you are my friends. May I just say that?

To the right: Phantasy Star 2 (Sega Genesis).

When you Google yourself, you expect to find yourself in at least a few places that you didn’t expect to be found.

What no one expects is for some idiot to treat their blog like it’s some pre-teen’s live journal and talk about you unkindly as if no one would ever know it was you. If someone were to do that, you’d at least expect them to try and hide who you are. Like say “this guy” or “someone I know…” or “…we’ll call him Bobalicious…”. If they still used, not just your first name, but your whole legal, given name, you’d figure they’d at least have a reason to… like some kind of vendetta. Maybe you keyed their car or slept with their sister. Maybe you kicked their dog.

What if all you did was try to be polite?

A friend of mine ran into someone she used to know. During the conversation, another old mutual friend came up. She asked how this friend was doing, what they were up to, and even took down their number. She did it just to be polite, never called the number, and didn’t even think about it again until much later.

Much later, she was playing everyone’s favorite internet game: Google myself!!

When she Googles herself, she gets a lot of results from people who are spell check impaired since her name is close enough to real words. There are other people with the same name. Nothing too noteworthy…

Then she found this (all misspellings, bad grammar, etc. I kept, but the names are ***ed out):

 
“So I wonder what’s gonna happen when ********** calls my cell-phone. Will I answe it? What would we ever have to talk about. Apparently we’ve been living in the same town for quite awhile- I wonder why she doesn’t ever come downtown. ***** said she looked the same, acted the same. It would be a shame if she’d never blossomed. Maybe she just still shy. I’m terrified of talking to her”

 
She was satisfied with telling her friends about it and us all saying ‘what an ass’, but I was a bit more pissed. I wanted to call that number and give this guy something to be terrified about.

Another friend did some reconnaissance and found the blog. I left a comment. I even left a link to my blog…

 
“So I wonder what’s gonna happen when ********** calls my cell-phone. Will I answe it?”

When? Don’t you mean if? Just because she was polite enough to ask for your number doesn’t mean she’ll call it, especially if you’re posting this.

“What would we ever have to talk about.”

Life? Is there really so little that has happened to you since you last spoke that you’d have nothing interesting to tell an old friend about?

“***** said she looked the same, acted the same. It would be a shame if she’d never blossomed.”

She still looks and acts like ****. Yeah, I know, too bad she didn’t conform to the way she should look or act.

“Maybe she just still shy. I’m terrified of talking to her.”

She’s shy but you’re terrified of talking? She’s like barely five feet tall and an openminded individual. Whatever she had to say, I bet it would have been nicer than what you had to say on the internet.

Well, no need to be afraid. I’m sure she won’t be calling you now.

 
I hope he reads it. I hope it makes him blush. I hope he then links to here and sees that I talked about it in my blog. I hope he then writes a follow up post either bad mouthing me or trying to defend himself.

Never blossomed? I’m sorry that we’re not all flowers or bloomin’ onions. We’re women who come into our own, but not exclusively in ways designed specifically to appeal to your own individual male sensibilities.

Look the same? Did he expect her to have a problem with not being a six foot blonde with a paper thin tummy and mushy melons? Did he expect plastic surgery on his behalf?


Sound the same? She’s always had interesting things to say and an amazing singing voice. Who should she sound like…

Him?

And all these conclusions are jumped to because he talked to someone who talked to her.

Is the terrifying thing that he may hear about how great she’s doing? She’ll tell him all the places she’s been and things she’s done, and he’ll feel small and empty and write about it on his blog. So instead of calling her, and judging for himself how this friend is doing, make a preemptive strike online. He belittles her so he can feel better about it when she calls. If she calls. She isn’t going to call him. Why would she?

He apparently has nothing much to say anyways.