Tarot Reading


Situation: 7 of Wands Reversed – Misgivings about an outcome of something recent which is making you perplexed and anxious. Someone’s hesitation has caused a loss.

Background: Page of Pentacles – Bad news, illogical thinking, and wasting what has been gained

Myself: The Lovers – Partnership in love and trust, perfection in communication, honor and romance, beauty, and a couple who can work together to overcome trials.

Influences/Surroundings (Him): 4 of Swords – Someone who is resting in seclusion and meditating

Conclusion: 2 of Swords – Balance in a dangerous, precarious spot. There is a possibility of problems ahead and a difficult decision. I have to chose between the lesser of two evils, but have the knowledge and ability to balance and make the best of the situation.

Since I got this tarot deck from my best friend at my fifteenth birthday party, from the first reading everything was accurate. Since then I’ve found that accuracy doesn’t always mean helpful and insightful. Times like these I’m told mostly what I already know. The ability to focus on a situation and see clearly what is ahead doesn’t always make the road less rocky, windy, or dangerous. A sign that says caution doesn’t necessarily make having caution any easier.

None of the cards that came up surprised me in the least. The two of swords is worrisome because it confirms that things are as dangerous as I’m worried they are, yet comforting since it’s a card of strength. It says, I can make it and come out of this as strong if not stronger.

Barriers are not the answer here. Sometimes blocking off someone is necessary, but it always comes at a great price. Every time I close off my heart, it’s more difficult to open up and trust.

When two people are set in their positions there is a stalemate. To break it, we must come out from behind our swords and see each other’s sides. I feel like this has been done, and we must stay open if we are to find peace and wholeness.

I can do this. The instinct I have is to struggle to keep my feelings under control, but instead I shouldn’t be afraid to feel and live as long as I keep my eyes open and face facts.

Life is for living.

Role Playing is Playing a Role

Advanced Dungeons & Dragons Pools of Radiance Japan
This post is brought to you by AD&D: Pools of Radiance for the NES, or should I say Famicom? This screen shot is inviting heroes to step up in New Phlan. Really, you’ll just have to take my word for it.

I recently started role playing again, and as much as it feels like sitting in that comfy divit in an old chair, I think maybe I picked the wrong chair.

A game master (aka GM or DM: one who runs the game) puts forth a framework in which to operate our imaginations. By playing in their game, we are accepting to follow that framework alongside the imaginings of the fellow players. The GM provides the world and our tasks, and we provide the heroes.

I realized that is my problem with this game I’ve recently joined. We didn’t provide the heroes. We had to fill in most of the lines on the character sheet- like our starting equipment, but we didn’t get to pick the name, sex, race (eg: elf), class (eg: wizard), or background (recent & far past) of our characters. Since we are a sum of our experiences and genetics, that sort of sums up the whole personality of the character we’re playing. We didn’t come up with our role to play while role playing.

At first, I saw it as a challenge. Play a character you would have never come up with on your own. I thought it would be kind of closer to acting in a play. I thought it could be fun.

And it is a challenge, so much so that not only do I feel like I don’t relate to my character in any way, I feel like I don’t know what my own character would do in most given situations. If given time to think I might come up with a list of things he might do with reasonings, but I don’t exactly have that luxury while playing in real time. It’s getting frustrating.

I love characters. If you would ask me why I write fiction or read it… why I play the video games I do or like the movies and shows I watch, it’s the characters. I admire the way they are developed through the story, their interactions through dialogs and gestures, and seeing how they grow and change. In a good story, you get to know the characters as if they’re real people and feel interested and invested enough in them to care what happens to them.

Is it such a stretch to think that the reason I love role playing is coming up with and playing a character? I love being the GM to make up and play many roles. Players only get to be one, single hero. I’m feeling like I’m fitting into my role like it’s a few sizes off, and it’s no wonder. I didn’t come up with or chose it. The one bit of creation that a player is allowed is their character, and I was denied that chance.

And so, it’s no wonder I’m thinking of leaving the group. It makes me sad because the players are top-notch. I really like playing with them a lot.

And the GMing isn’t so bad either, it’s just that he inadvertently took away my favorite part of role playing.

A lesson learned, I guess, but it’s a lesson I already learned once before.

In Milford, MA there used to be a gaming store called The Gamers’ Guild. I was in a game once where I was only allowed to play if I took on an existing NPC (non player character). There were two I was able to chose from. I selected the one I thought would be more fun based on her class.

Then, I tried to develop her as a character through playing her. I was told that my character wouldn’t do this or say that. I found out my character had a history and personality and relationships that I wasn’t aware of. Every time I tried to speak or act, I found myself defending my actions to one player in particular. In short, I found out that this wasn’t my character.

Yet again, they were a group of pretty awesome players, but it wasn’t allowed to role play, I was just a warm body rolling for a NPC of someone else’s imagination.

So, I feel like I don’t want to mess up the game by quitting. I also don’t want to stop playing with these neat people, but I’m fast losing interest in trying to play this character. For all of you thinking I should just kill him off, the in game situation makes even that very difficult.

Should next week be my last game? I can overcome any number of other game flaws if I enjoy playing my character, but without that, I’m not sure anything else is enough.

I think it may be time to take up the mantle of GM once again.