You Can’t Pwn At Pong

Mario Bros Atari
I’m only twenty-something, but I still am not sure I feel right saying ‘pwned’.

It feels a bit unreal to have gaming be the younger cool. It seems like just yesterday, I was my little brother’s age and getting flack for the same reason he’s considered awesome. I feel like the same people who will wear Mario Bros. shirts now might be the same ones who poked at me in school for video gaming. Part of me wants to reveal the poser they are. I would ask them:

In the first level, do you go down the pipe for the coins? You do? Now why would you do that? There’s a barely hidden one-up that you miss if you go down the pipe. 100 coins equal a one-up. Do the math.

They look at me blankly, thinking, “Up-whats?”.

Am I still allowed to use the word poser?

Across the room, nestled between cd video games and Super Nintendo cartridges are little rectangle bricks that belong to no Nintendo. One of them even says “Mario Bros.” on it.

People think Mario, they think Nintendo. It’s hilarious how many games people remember as being exclusive classics for the 8-bit Nintendo Entertainment System originated for the Atari, early PC, and even old Macs.

You just can’t pwn at old video games. There was no typing to other players in a multiplayer environment. Even when doors and muds came about in BBS land, I don’t know about you guys, but I remember there usually being 1 node for one person to play at one time. In Legend of the Red Dragon, when you killed someone in the field and were interviewed for what you said after kicking ass, no one ever uttered “Pwned!”. They would have looked at the screen, backspaced a few times, and totally “Owned!” you.

Legend of the Red Dragon

I also feel I don’t really pwn, because I don’t play Halo. To me, Halo is just MIDI Maze, Wolfenstein 3d, Doom, Quake, Duke Nukem, Heretic, Hexen, or GoldenEye 007(etc.) all over again… in space… with more jumping. Wait, System Shock was in space (with zombies even). So yeah, just with more jumping. I know people will raise their fists at me, but to me Halo has been repeated so many times that I shrug.

I watch my little bro in his headset screaming ‘Dude! Let’s super jump.’ and just ask, “Why is there so much jumping?” and feel kind of old.

I don’t mind feeling out of touch with pwnage. What is kind of sad is that I’ve stopped being as excited by new video games. I’ll say, “That’s kind of cool.” or “That’s pretty neat.”, but for the most part, I just feel like I’ll never be as excited as I was when video games were still new with leaps and bounds in their advancement. I didn’t even have the money for them, but I had plenty of time and an obsessed uncle.

Don’t get me wrong, I roll up my Katamaris and I play my voice acted RPGs, RTSs, and TBSs. So, maybe I’m just not a shoot ’em up kinda gamer.

This is not the case, because I’m not all about the MMORPGs. Instead they horrify me. The amount of time (or cheating) you have to invest to have a good time just boggles my mind. In addition, it’s kind of like I say when I see someone play Halo and I say, “Why is there so much jumping?”, with these it’s, “Wow, why is there so much running around?” Sure, there’s always been world map trekking, but this is insane. It used to be a few steps to the next town or a few random fights, now the random fights *ARE* the game. The intimacy of you, the characters, and the plot has been sacrificed to hack and slash with a subscription fee.

If you are reading this and like Halo or your MMORPG of choice, good for you. I mean, I’m obviously old and not so cool, so don’t listen to granny here.

I will keep saying “In my day…”, but that’s okay too. The best part about it is that now I have the resources to find all the old games I missed and try them out with the PC and emulator. Then I’ll snap shot the screen shots that amuse me and put them away for future posts. I know old games are not without flaws, but their flaws were lack of budget and technology to back them. I am floored by the mediocrity of today’s games. We have the tech and budget now, but where is all the fun game play and awesome writing? Creativity used to outpace the ability to convey it, now that the money and tech are there… where has it gone?

I am glad that there are exceptions. I just wish they were more the rule than the exception. At some point I’m hoping I’ll see it come back around and people will learn that eye-candy and hack and slash just isn’t enough.

Pure pwnage needs something more to back it up.

Inspirational Video Game Quotes Part Deux

Breath of Fire SNES Shoop!I felt like there needed to be a second edition once I started reminiscing. Playing roms and giggling should be shared! So here is the sequel, the quotes that I remember and love for their charm, wit, or plain old badness. Click here to see part one.
– – – – –

 
“Hmm, don’t have time to play with myself!”
– Duke Nukem 3d, Duke Nukem said when using action button on arcade game of the same name (PC)

Chrono Trigger SNES Nu

 
Guybrush: “You fight like a Dairy Farmer!”
Pirate: “How appropriate, you fight like a Cow!”
– Guybrush Threepwood, Monkey Island 1: The Secrey of Monkey Island (PC)

 
“Hmm, a rubber chicken with a pulley in the middle. What possible use could that have?”
– Guybrush Threepwood, Monkey Island 1: The Secrey of Monkey Island (PC)

Breath of Fire 2 SNES Die

 
“Am I butterfly dreaming I’m a man? Or a bowling ball dreaming I’m a plate of sashimi? Never assume what you see and feel is real!” – Doreen, Chrono Trigger (SNES)

Dragon Warrior 4 NES Counter

 
“In our world, every storm has an end. Every night brings a new day. What’s important is to trust those you love, and never give up. We must never give up hope!” – Priestess in the Cathedral, Chrono Trigger (SNES)

 
“How do I get out of this chicken outfit?!” – Marine, StarCraft (PC)

 
“I really have to go… number one.” – Battle Cruiser, StarCraft (PC)

Dragon Warrior 3 NES Pepper

 
“E=MC… d’oh let me get my notepad.” – Science Vessel, StarCraft (PC)

 
“This is not Warcraft in space!” – Artanis, StarCraft (PC)

 
“Besides humans, dogs also sleep at night. Why aren’t you asleep?” – Dog, Earthbound (SNES)

 
“Run, run, or you’ll be well done!” – Kefka, Final Fantasy 3 (SNES) 6 (PS)

Earthbound SNES Nausea

 
“I hate hate hate hate hate hate hate hate hate hate hate hate HATE YOU!!” – Kefka, Final Fantasy 3 (SNES) 6 (PS)

 
“Terra. . . Please wait for me. . . And. . . please. . . don’t let a lecherous young king, who shall remain nameless, near you!” – Locke Cole, Final Fantasy 3 (SNES) 6 (PS)

 
“Thou are so… odd.” – Cyan, Final Fantasy 3 (SNES) 6 (PS)

Final Fantasy 1 NES FIEND

 
“I’m working for the Empire. But, don’t worry… I’m not going to garrote you!” – Shadow, Final Fantasy 3 (SNES) 6 (PS

 
“This monkey’s going to give you a spanking, Shupkay!” – Sten, Breath of Fire 2 (SNES)

 
Natsume: “Thanks! But I have nothing to give you in return..except, maybe myself…”
Kite: “WHAT?!?!”
Natsume: “No! I meant I could help you out if you need it…”
– .hack//MUTATION (PS2)

Goonies 2 NES Ouch What

 
Man: “Here’s your question. ‘What’s the secret to success in business?'”
Hero: “…”
Man: “That’s right! Silence. Silence is golden.”
Hero: “?”
– Dragon Warrior 4 (NES)

 
“Sure.. hope this is not… Chris’s blood.”
– Barry says stilted like Kirk in Star Trek, Resident Evil (PS)

Lufia 2 SNES Master Catfish

 
“One more wrong move and you would of been a Jill sandwich”
– Barry says to Jill, Resident Evil (PS)

 
“That’s a face only a sledgehammer could love, and has!” – Morte, AD&D: Planescape: Torment (PC)

 
Fall-from-Grace: “You know, Nordrom, you are perhaps the cutest little rogue modron I have ever encountered.”
Nordom: “‘Cutest’ is a subjective term. I prefer the designation ‘fearsome clubed warrior’.”
Fall-from-Grace: “Of course! That’s why you’re so cute.”
– AD&D: Planescape: Torment (PC)

Lufia 2 SNES Master Monster or Human

 
Nordom: “A query, Annah: is your tail’s purpose to indicate your current level of hostility?”
Annah: *angrily* “What kind of stupid question is that you pikin’ sod box?”
Nordom: “My analysis is correct. Danger! Danger!”
– AD&D: Planscape: Torment (PC)

 
Morte: “Hey Nordom, knock-knock.”
Nordom: “Why do you persist in addressing me as a door?”
Morte: “It’s a joke, you stupid polygon! You’re supposed to answer ‘Who’s there?'”
Nordom: “I know who is there. It is you. Why would I ask a question when I already know the answer?”
Morte: “Just forget it.”
– AD&D: Planescape: Torment (PC)

Lufia 2 SNES Confront Swell

– – – – –

 
Let me end this with a quote about video games from the once upon a time president of the USA, Ronald Reagan made August 8, 1983:

“I recently learned something quite interesting about video games. Many young people have developed incredible hand, eye, and brain coordination in playing these games. The air force believes these kids will be our outstanding pilots should they fly our jets.”
Final Fantasy 2 SNES 4 PS Dwarves

 
So let us fly their jets.

 
Screen shots from the top:
Breath of Fire (SNES)
Chrono Trigger (SNES)
Breath of Fire 2 (SNES)
Dragon Warrior 4 (NES)
Dragon Warrior 3 (NES)
Earthbound (SNES)
Final Fantasy 1 (NES)
Goonies 2 (NES)
(next three) Lufia 2: Rise of the Sinistrals (SNES)
Final Fantasy 2 (SNES) 4 (PS)

Inspirational Video Game Quotes

Monkey Island I: The Secret of Monkey Island
I know everyone is all ‘up on’ the “All your base are belong to us” bandwagon, but the list of wonderfully bad (by bad, I mean good) video game quotes is long. I have read it over the years on my television and computer screens and laughed until everyone around me was embarrassed for me. I’ve picked a few games and a few favorites from those games.
Final Fantasy 3 SNES (6 Playstation) Locke Cole“Some of these are mistranslated, badly translated, or just products of brain damaged programmers (or translators, or both). Enjoy!



Yeah, this kid seems loaded for bear.” said about Terra who is using magic.

-Locke Cole, Final Fantasy VI (III US), SNES & PSX


Earthbound: SNES
“Knights do it two-handed.”

– townsman, Final Fantasy V, PSX


“This isn’t a leotard, it’s our combat uniform!”

– various amazon warriors of Toroia, Final Fantasy IV (II US), SNES & PSX


Final Fantasy 4 Play Station (2 SNES) Tellah speaking to Edward
“There are secrets where faeries don’t live.”

– old man, The Legend of Zelda, NES


“Whoah, are you still playing this thing?” said at the last level.

– Bubsy, Bubsy, SNES (note: not written on screen, but said)

Legend of Zelda II: The Adventure of Link (NES)“Even a door of this caliber can’t keep science at bay!”

– Lucca, Chrono Trigger, SNES



“No rubbish for Ayla, or head go boom!”

– Ayla, Chrono Trigger, SNES

Final Fantasy I: NES
“I’d rather have my gums scraped!”

– The Girl (main character), Secret of Mana, SNES



“Don’t be a tuna head.”

– Fred, Maniac Mansion, Atari ST & PC



“Grass green? I hate that color!”

– Bobbon, Loom, PC


King's Quest VI
“So you want to be a pirate, eh? You look more like a flooring inspector.”

– Blind Man, Monkey Island I: The Secret of Monkey Island, PC



“I’m looking for 30 dead guys and one woman.”

– Guybrush Threepwood, Monkey Island I: The Secret of Monkey Island, PC


Chrono Trigger: SNES

Guybrush: “How much wood would a woodchuck chuck if a woodchuck could chuck wood?”

Carpenter: “A woodchuck would chuck no amount of wood since a woodchuck can’t chuck wood.”

Guybrush: “But if a woodchuck could chuck and would chuck some amount of wood, what amount of wood would a woodchuck chuck?”

Carpenter: “Even if a woodchuck could chuck wood and even if a woodchuck would chuck wood, should a woodchuck chuck wood?”

Guybrush: “A woodchuck should chuck wood if a woodchuck could chuck wood, as long as a woodchuck would chuck wood.”

Carpenter: “Oh shut up.”

– Monkey Island II: LeChuck’s Revenge, PC


Earthbound: SNES in an elevator
“¡Madre de Dios! ¡Es el Pollo Diablo! (“Mother of God! It’s the Devil Chicken!”)” Guybrush, tarred and feathered, responds in Spanish, which makes it funnier.

– Guybrush Threepwood, Monkey Island III: The Curse of Monkey Island, PC



Earthbound: SNES with a COW
The screen shots (from the top) are:
Monkey Island I,
Earthbound (SNES),
Final Fantasy III (SNES) / VI (PSX),
Earthbound (again),
Final Fantasy II (SNES) / IV (PSX),
The Legend of Zelda: The Adventure of Link (NES),
Final Fantasy (NES),
King’s Quest VI (PC),
Chrono Trigger (SNES),
Earthbound (and again),
and Earthbound (yet again)



So, anyone like to share any of their own personal favorites? Try to tell us: who said it, what game, and what platform. Anyone can recite “All your base…”. I’m more interested in memories of a gamer’s greatest moments grimacing or guffawing at the ‘puter screen (or tv).